“Here lies Tom bloody Jones!!”
Indeed. Well, that’s what the legend of Welsh pop (?) wants inscribed on his gravestone when he pops his so-called clogs. “Never mind all that, how are the perv-breeks this ‘weather’?” squawks Sylvia Patterson…
Tom Jones. Was there ever such a legendary lungsmith? No, there wasn’t, for he is indeed the notorious Welsh “bard” who began “life” in the 1950s (when rock ’n’ roll was invented) and he stunned the populace by swirling his leather-wrapped perv-hips and having a large chest with many hairs on, and all across the globe girlies began sobbing in their soda-pops (2d —
And where pray, did this dubious combination meet? “We actually met on holiday in the Bahamas,” whimfs JJ from Art Of Noise, the “mastermind” behind the whole shebang, “and Tom was out in a power boat and I ran into him by accident. I was on skis, you see. I swore at him and he said, ‘Who d’you think you are?’ and I said ‘Who d’you think you are? Er… Tom Jones’ Hihih.”
And then they didn’t meet again until Tom performed his “unique” rendition of Prince’s “Kiss” on Jonathan Ross’ TV show, The Last Resort, where he behaved unspeakably pervily and had lots of people fling their breeks at him just like housewives oe’r the globe do whenever he shakes a “leg” on stage, such is his unspeakable sex-godness.
“And we got such a good reaction,” says Tom in his “notorious” Welsh burr, “that we thought, ‘why not record it properly?’. But differently. I’ve always liked Prince —
Oooh yes, please! So where are all your magnificent perv-breeks today?
“Well, I didn’t think I needed all that for this because the song a sexy enough in itself: I haven’t abandoned the leathers though. Certainly not! That’s what the show is all about! I mean, it all started for convenience, really! Because I perspire, you see. I perspire even when I’m sitting around —
You’ve got lots of famous big pals, haven’t you?
“Oh no, not really. I know them but they’re not big mates. I know Mick Jagger and I knew Elvis quite well and I met Michael Jackson once —
What do you spend your unspeakable wealth on?
“Well, what does anybody spend their money on? Cups of tea! How many cups of tea can you drink!? Haahah! Well, I mean, when I first made a lot of money, when I had my first hit single I was 24 and I went overboard. I bought a house, a car, more cars than I could even bloody think about driving! And when you go to buy clothes you say ‘How many colours have you got? I’ll have the bloody lot!’ And then you’re stuck with all this bloody stuff and it becomes a headache, so you stop. Health is the most important thing in life, I’ve found. I’ve always been a drinking man, myself, but I’ve never got involved in the drug situation or anything —
Why do you say “bloody” so much?
“Because I’m a bloody Welshman! Oh, I don’t know, do I say bloody a lot? Well, I was never aware of it!! Bloody ‘ell!”
What’s your house like?
“Oh, it’s a red brick very English house. It’s not that big —
Who are your favourite pop starts these days?
“Oooh, well, I like Robert Palmer, he’s a good singer. I like Rick Astley —
Who taught you to swivel your hips?
“Well, I’ve always liked dancing. I used to go dancing when I was a kid, I just did what felt natural. Continue »
Tom Jones —
“A legend? Thank you! Oooh. I’ve never really thought of that before. I suppose ‘Here Lies Tom Bloody Jones’!”…