ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

Review—singles

SINGLE OF THE FORTNIGHT

CHAKA KHAN: Im Every Woman (WEA)

I like this already! (i.e. after about the first note) Throw it down Chaka!!! (Cheers up noticeably and starts to swizz about the floor on the wheely chair hes sitting on and make various funky noises of approval.) Heurgh! Get down! Oh no its got that piano!! (i.e. the horrible “house” music-type piano that Holly has taken umbrage to lately) Em… absolutely brilliant! “Climb Every Woman”—classic! Oh! I mean “Im Every Woman”! When I used to dance to this in discos in the ‘70s I used to sing “Climb Every Woman” ‘cause I thought that was what the words were but then I found out that it wasnt! We love it. Its one of those remix jobbies but rather better than usual except that theres dreadful drum fills—you know drums that go ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt towards the middle that arent necessary.

DIANA ROSS: Working Overtime (EMI)

Ooh, come on, put Diana Ross on. I really like her… (listens to said disc and looks mightily disconcerted)… Oh. Well, this is Diana Ross doing a Five Star B-side. Its a shame really because shes done so many fabulous things in the past but now shes decided to join in with current trends. Its important that she does modern things but modern things that are more interesting than this. I means this could be anyone. It doesnt sound like Diana Ross it just sounds like mundane radio drivel.

DEON ESTUS: Heaven Help Me (Polydor)

Oh, this is George Michael isnt it. Deon Estus is his bass player and I think hes very important to Georges sound. This is written with George and he sings it too. I like George. Me and Wolfgang (i.e Hollys manager) went to dinner with him and Elton John the other week. But this isnt the best song that George Michael has ever collaborated on. The production is typically lush. Pity Deon doesnt sing more on it. Have I heard his voice? No. Ive never heard him sing but Ive seen him do his grocery shopping. He lives round the corner from me. I dont know… maybe itll be a hit on the strength of Georges involvement. I think its a very mellow kind of thing. Its the slowie at the end of the evening. It could be a hit but I dont know. Its not one of those records I go ape over.

KYLIE MINOGUE: Hand On My Heart (PWL)

Oh no! Im certainly not reviewing that. Ive got to?! (looks completely flabbergasted!) Its just that I dont think theres anything I could say about it—really.(Hoity toity eh viewers? Still “fair” “enough”.

(cont.)
But just in case Kylies billions of fans are wondering: This is another of those chirpy PWL tunes that seem to be picked out for Kylie. Its got tons of happy sounding twiddly bits on it and all the usual “hall marks” of a Stock, Aitken & Waterman tune and will therefore be a huge hit and quite rightly so!)

CHERELLE: Affair (Tabu)

Em. Shes got a really fab voice but, em, this is a rather average Jam and Lewis track (the so-called producers of the record). They were members of Princes band and he sacked them because they were late for a plane one day. But they do fabulous records with Janet Jackson for example. Anyway, this isnt one of their best, but, you know, I like this kind of music when theres a good song there like “What Have You Done For Me Lately” (by Janet Jackson) and “Fake” and “Criticise” (by Alexander ONeal). This isnt a great song.

CHER AND PETE CETERA: After All (WEA)

I dont want to review that. No. I dont even want to hear it.

EDIE BRICKELL AND THE NEW BOHEMIANS: Circle (Geffen)

Ive just bought the Edie Brickell album and its very mellow. This one isnt as strong as “What I Am”, her last one, but quite pleasant. The “sentiments” (i.e. its all about how its better not to have a boyfriend because no one can chuck you then) are quite sweet though.

CYNDI LAUPER: I Drove All Night (Epic)

Mmmm… Cyndi Lauper… nice hairdo—sometimes. But this record is heinous.(Gets up and switches it off after about three seconds!) Its got quite an interesting intro but then it goes into a very ordinary American rock formula. I think shes done some fabulous things in the past. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” I thought was wonderful, and “Time After Time”. But this is just blandness I think. What a shame… maybe I should listen to more of it. I dont like that sort of Adult Orientated Rock anyway but a lot of people buy it. I dont know who. Ive never met anyone like that. Sorry Cyndi but we (just in case anyone is a bit confused, Holly tends to refer to himself as “we” for reasons best known to himself) dont like it.

BON JOVI: Ill Be There For You (Phonogram)

I dont really want to review Bon Jovi to be honest.(After approximately ten seconds) Go on, get it off. Hm. This is not one of Bon Jovis finer moments. They specialise in those heavy metal epic anthems that this is not. Boooriiiing!

TEXAS: Thrill Has Gone (Polygram)

Oh no. Im not reviewing that. Take it off.

THE FUNKY WORM: You + Me = Love (WEA)

Better than average rehash of ‘70s disco which is happening a lot at the moment. I cant stand it! I hear it too often on the radio at the moment and its annoying in the extreme. It has got a chorus and I do like things to have that. Em, cant think of anything else to say about this really. I mean theres a lot of it about lately huu huu!! (??) which is a shame but at least this is better than most of ‘em Ive heard. But I hate that piano on it. Its that ‘70s disco piano and I cant stand it. Its on everything at the moment and it reminds me of a particular type of ‘70s disco that wasnt my favourite. We like the name of the band though, a lot, as were all funky worms here.(?!)

THE CURE: Lullaby (Fiction)

Ah, everyone here loves the instrumentation but it doesnt seem to have much of a song hidden beneath that. Its very atmospheric. I love the violins and the arrangement of it but in todays world there isnt much room for it on a chart level. Its not one of those fabulous Cure songs. Its a nice vibe more than anything else. It reminds me of Mantovani (writer of romantic orchestral tunes for grannies). I would have expected The Cure to have come back with a much stronger song and thats quite surprising. But no, good luck Robert.

PAULA ABDUL: Knocked Out (Siren)

Yes, well, this doesnt knock me out at all. Its not as good as the one shes got out currently. I cant wait to see that fab choreography in the video. Ill give it five. Thats all Im saying. No. Thats all Im saying. Cant I say something else? Well “I give it five” says it all really doesnt it?! Heeheh! Sorry Paula. Id love you to teach me a few steps hahaha! But I dont like your record much.

THE PRETENDERS: Windows Of The World (Polydor)

No. I dont want to review this one. Definitely not. Oh, go on then. Hm. Is this an old song? (Indeed it is. Its from the soundtrack of a film called 1969 and was written by two old cronies called Bacharach and David.) Sounds as though theyve done a cover version of it. I like her voice (i.e. The Pretenders singing person, Chrissie Hynde). But this is a miss—not a patch on Chaka Khan which is definitely single of the fortnight. Ive got to go now!

Also not reviewed by Holly this fornight!

  • Morrissey Interesting Drug
  • Stevie Nicks Rooms On Fire
  • Carl Marsh Here Comes The Crush
  • Hue And Cry Violently
  • John Moore & Expressway Something About You Girl
  • Tom Petty Black Sorrows
  • Tom Jones Move Close
  • Dare The Raindance
  • Pop Will Eat Itself Wise Up
  • Black Sabbath Headless Cross
  • Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock Joy And Pain/Check This Out
  • The Monkees Last Train To Clarkesville
  • Mike And The Mechanics Nobody Knows
  • Stefan Dennis Dont It Make You Feel Good
  • Living In A Box Gatecrashing