ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

Review — singles

REVIEWED BY HOLLY JOHNSON

SINGLE OF THE FORTNIGHT

CHAKA KHAN: I’m Every Woman (WEA)

I like this already! (i.e. after about the first note) Throw it down Chaka!!! (Cheers up noticeably and starts to swizz about the floor on the wheely chair he’s sitting on and make various funky noises of approval.) Heurgh! Get down! Oh no it’s got that piano!! (i.e. the horrible “house” music-type piano that Holly has taken umbrage to lately) Em… absolutely brilliant! “Climb Every Woman” — classic! Oh! I mean “I’m Every Woman”! When I used to dance to this in disco’s in the ‘70s I used to sing “Climb Every Woman” ‘cause I thought that was what the words were but then I found out that it wasn’t! We love it. It’s one of those remix jobbies but rather better than usual except that there’s dreadful drum fills — you know drums that go ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt towards the middle that aren’t necessary.

DIANA ROSS: Working Overtime (EMI)

Ooh, come on, put Diana Ross on. I really like her… (listens to said disc and looks mightily disconcerted)… Oh. Well, this is Diana Ross doing a Five Star B-side. It’s a shame really because she’s done so many fabulous things in the past but now she’s decided to join in with current trends. It’s important that she does modern things but modern things that are more interesting than this. I means this could be anyone. It doesn’t sound like Diana Ross it just sounds like mundane radio drivel.

DEON ESTUS: Heaven Help Me (Polydor)

Oh, this is George Michael isn’t it. Deon Estus is his bass player and I think he’s very important to George’s sound. This is written with George and he sings it too. I like George. Me and Wolfgang (i.e Holly’s manager) went to dinner with him and Elton John the other week. But this isn’t the best song that George Michael has ever collaborated on. The production is typically lush. Pity Deon doesn’t sing more on it. Have I heard his voice? No. I’ve never heard him sing but I’ve seen him do his grocery shopping. He lives round the corner from me. I don’t know… maybe it’ll be a hit on the strength of George’s involvement. I think it’s a very mellow kind of thing. It’s the slowie at the end of the evening. It could be a hit but I don’t know. It’s not one of those records I go ape over.

KYLIE MINOGUE: Hand On My Heart (PWL)

Oh no! I’m certainly not reviewing that. I’ve got to?! (looks completely flabbergasted!) It’s just that I don’t think there’s anything I could say about it — really.

(Hoity toity eh viewers? Still “fair” “enough”. But just in case Kylie’s billions of fans are wondering: This is another of those chirpy PWL tunes that seem to be picked out for Kylie. It’s got tons of happy sounding twiddly bits on it and all the usual “hall marks” of a Stock, Aitken & Waterman tune and will therefore be a huge hit and quite rightly so!)

CHERELLE: Affair (Tabu)

Em. She’s got a really fab voice but, em, this is a rather average Jam and Lewis track (the so-called producers of the record). They were members of Prince’s band and he sacked them because they were late for a plane one day. But they do fabulous records with Janet Jackson for example. Anyway, this isn’t one of their best, but, you know, I like this kind of music when there’s a good song there like “What Have You Done For Me Lately” (by Janet Jackson) and “Fake” and “Criticise” (by Alexander O’Neal). This isn’t a great song.

CHER AND PETE CETERA: After All (WEA)

I don’t want to review that. No. I don’t even want to hear it.

EDIE BRICKELL AND THE NEW BOHEMIANS: Circle (Geffen)

I’ve just bought the Edie Brickell album and it’s very mellow. This one isn’t as strong as “What I Am”, her last one, but quite pleasant. The “sentiments” (i.e. it’s all about how it’s better not to have a boyfriend because no one can chuck you then) are quite sweet though.

CYNDI LAUPER: I Drove All Night (Epic)

Mmmm… Cyndi Lauper… nice hairdo — sometimes. But this record is heinous. (Gets up and switches it off after about three seconds!) It’s got quite an interesting intro but then it goes into a very ordinary American rock formula. I think she’s done some fabulous things in the past. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” I thought was wonderful, and “Time After Time”. But this is just blandness I think. What a shame… maybe I should listen to more of it. I don’t like that sort of Adult Orientated Rock anyway but a lot of people buy it. I don’t know who. I’ve never met anyone like that. Sorry Cyndi but we (just in case anyone is a bit confused, Holly tends to refer to himself as “we” for reasons best known to himself) don’t like it.

BON JOVI: I’ll Be There For You (Phonogram)

I don’t really want to review Bon Jovi to be honest. (After approximately ten seconds) Go on, get it off. Hm. This is not one of Bon Jovi’s finer moments. They specialise in those heavy metal epic anthems that this is not. Boooriiiing!

TEXAS: Thrill Has Gone (Polygram)

Oh no. I’m not reviewing that. Take it off.

THE FUNKY WORM: You + Me = Love (WEA)

Better than average rehash of ‘70s disco which is happening a lot at the moment. I can’t stand it! I hear it too often on the radio at the moment and it’s annoying in the extreme. It has got a chorus and I do like things to have that. Em, can’t think of anything else to say about this really. I mean there’s a lot of it about lately huu huu!! (??) which is a shame but at least this is better than most of ‘em I’ve heard. But I hate that piano on it. It’s that ‘70s disco piano and I can’t stand it. It’s on everything at the moment and it reminds me of a particular type of ‘70s disco that wasn’t my favourite. We like the name of the band though, a lot, as we’re all funky worms here. (?!)

THE CURE: Lullaby (Fiction)

Ah, everyone here loves the instrumentation but it doesn’t seem to have much of a song hidden beneath that. It’s very atmospheric. I love the violins and the arrangement of it but in today’s world there isn’t much room for it on a chart level. It’s not one of those fabulous Cure songs. It’s a nice vibe more than anything else. It reminds me of Mantovani (writer of romantic orchestral tunes for grannies). I would have expected The Cure to have come back with a much stronger song and that’s quite surprising. But no, good luck Robert.

PAULA ABDUL: Knocked Out (Siren)

Yes, well, this doesn’t knock me out at all. It’s not as good as the one she’s got out currently. I can’t wait to see that fab choreography in the video. I’ll give it five. That’s all I’m saying. No. That’s all I’m saying. Can’t I say something else? Well “I give it five” says it all really doesn’t it?! Heeheh! Sorry Paula. I’d love you to teach me a few steps hahaha! But I don’t like your record much.

THE PRETENDERS: Windows Of The World (Polydor)

No. I don’t want to review this one. Definitely not. Oh, go on then. Hm. Is this an old song? (Indeed it is. It’s from the soundtrack of a film called 1969 and was written by two old cronies called Bacharach and David.) Sounds as though they’ve done a cover version of it. I like her voice (i.e. The Pretenders singing person, Chrissie Hynde). But this is a miss — not a patch on Chaka Khan which is definitely single of the fortnight. I’ve got to go now!

Also not reviewed by Holly this fornight!

  • Morrissey Interesting Drug
  • Stevie Nicks Rooms On Fire
  • Carl Marsh Here Comes The Crush
  • Hue And Cry Violently
  • John Moore & Expressway Something About You Girl
  • Tom Petty Black Sorrows
  • Tom Jones Move Close
  • Dare The Raindance
  • Pop Will Eat Itself Wise Up
  • Black Sabbath Headless Cross
  • Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock Joy And Pain/Check This Out
  • The Monkees Last Train To Clarkesville
  • Mike And The Mechanics Nobody Knows
  • Stefan Dennis Don’t It Make You Feel Good
  • Living In A Box Gatecrashing