ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

Fear and loathing in South Molton Street

The Maker cant move these days without some fracas bursting out around our ears. Pop out for a jug of Bovril at lunch-time and within seconds the place is in uproar as a pitched battle starts between mods and rockers or some other similar ethnic minority. And so it was that our shy, retiring little TTT smudge Maurice Conroy chanced upon Paul Rutherford, Mark OToole and Ped Gill of Frankie in a fashionable South Moulton Street dresserie (Yamamoto to be precise). Naturally enough, being a pro and all that, Maurice dug out the old clicker and started firing from the hip as Frankie bought up half the store. As they emerged from the store there was an unsightly ruck with Our Boy Wonder in the middle of it.

Rutherford and OToole charged towards Conroy demanding the film. “Ive fookin ‘ad enough of yoo,” yelled Rutherford menacingly.

Conroy: “Dont you touch me, get your hands off my camera.”

Rutherford: “We WANT that film.”

Conroy: “You cant have it. You got no right to touch me. Do it again and Ill sue you.” (Maurice, clever pet, had just been studying his “Journalists & Photographers Guide To The Law”.)

OToole: “I fookin NUT yer if yer dont giz that film.”

Conroy: “You do and Ill sue you.”

By this time a huge crowd had gathered in the afternoon sunshine to enjoy the sport.

Conroy: “Right, thats it, Im calling the police.”

Rutherford: “Well fookin take yer, were take yer.”

The fuzz arrive.

Boys In Blue: “Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, whats all this then? Just who are you?”

Rutherford: “Were Frankie and this guy ‘ere has been taking photos of us.”

Boys In Blue: “Is this true?”

Conroy: “Yes I did!”

Boys In Blue: “Well, if someone took a photograph of me trying on clothes I wouldnt mind. Now just go away.”

Crowd disperses, disappointed.

Rutherford said later he was sick to death of the growing legions of pararazzi plagueing every move that Frankie made. As for Conroy, he disappeared to Bouverie Street to sell his story to the News Of The World before giving us an exclusive interview about the incident.

“Id like to say,” he told us, “I did not try to get Ped with his knickers down as was reported in The Sun. That is rubbish. There is no way I was going to let them push me around.

I accept this treatment as part of the job, but not from a couple of mouthy scouse twits like Paul Rutherford and Mark OToole.”