WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND? WRITE TO ONE TO 1, ROOM 304, COMMONWEALTH HOUSE, 1-19 NEW OXFORD STREET, LONDON WC1A1NG. THE WRITER OF THE BEST LETTER WINS A £5 RECORD TOKEN.
To British Frankie fans,
After spending the last several hours ten feet from your “lads” in Minneapolis, we’re beginning to question whether your “boys” should “plan” to go anywhere.
We spent that time being told to ‘Relax’ by a vampire-clad, pallour-faced, Michael Jackson glove-look Holly.
’Relax’? Hardly, when Mr “Look-what-I-can-take-off-next” Rutherford showered us with beer.
If you Brits have anyone to send to Hollywood, spare us this poor excuse for a pop band.
Prince Stays In Minneapolis.
Willingly —
Have you noticed that whereas Simon Le Bon and George Michael have both decided to grow their hair, Boy George has had his almost completely shaved off? Is there some deep psychological meaning I’ve missed?
Love, MC 4773.
There are indeed several explanations for this amazing piece of paranormal coincidence. The one involving Freud, Samson and big girls’ blouses escaped us at present. The other is that Simon and George are too stingy to pay Sid the Barber’s very competitive prices while BG’s tuppenny all-off is a penance for releasing ‘The Medal Song’.
Dear Anybody,
I think Sylvester Stallone is GORGEOUS.
Someone Who Went To See Nik Kershaw At The Manchester Apollo An’ It Was Brill, Hyde, Cheshire.
Stop sending in these foolish letters, Simper.
Don’t you think Wham have got a nerve? After turning their record over they then decide to give away a free poster calendar with it. Haven’t they got a thought for those who got them to No.2 in the charts? They just don’t care, do they?
Also I read in some mag or other that George is saying his mum and dad gave him the ring he wears, and that he put it on his wedding ring finger ‘cos he could only get it on that one! It’s your choice if you believe him or not!
An Angry Wham Fan, Hanging Houton, Northampton.
“I believe him” —
I am a big Mark O’Toole fan. So I was disgusted about the incident when Mark got headbutted aboard the Tuxedo Princess.
I come from Tyneside and was pleased to have Frankie in the North East. I expect Mark would have been carrying on pinching girls’ bottoms. I hope Mark’s nose is OK and not broken.
Frankie fan.
Pinching girls’ bottoms? That doesn’t sound like Mark at all. Awa’ the lads…
“Wayo Tez, isn’t that McArdle’s mob comin’ this way with sawnoffs?” “Go ed la. don’t be a plank, it’s Lucy Collins and ‘er posh Frog pals.”
Dear Jennifer in Milton Keynes,
The producers had nothing to do with the departure of Paul Usher (Barry Grant) from Brookside. The actor himself decided to leave the programme.
Does she think the programme is real life? Well, it isn’t, it’s just a portrayal of life. The people who live in Brookside Close are actors playing their parts although the houses are real enough. By the way, is Lucy Collins returning?
Marie Jackson’s Secret Lover, Brentwood. Essex.
Ask Marie yourself, she’s not renowned for minding her own allotment. As for you two carrying on, as soon as poor George’s back is turned, just you wait ‘til he gets out (if he ever does), you’ll be sorry. —
In reference to a recent letter I concerning Andrew Ridgeley’s nickname for his friend George Michael. You stated the name ‘Yog’ was taken from Andy’s pet hamster but I had read previously that George’s Greek name was ‘Yogeros’, so surely this is how the name was derived.
A hamster’s life span is considerably shorter than a human’s so I would have thought Andrew’s little pet was named after his friend and not the other way around.
A Reader, Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
You seem to be slightly confused. In Greece where favourable weather conditions prevail hamsters live to a ripe old age.
Alright you wallies! If you had any sense you’d know that pet hamsters do not hibernate. Don’t say that Yog would get upset and come out of hibernation ‘cos he wouldn’t. Tame hamsters that hibernate neverwake up again ‘cos they kick the bucket if they even try. See!
A Hamster Lover, Cleveland.
Wrong, madam, wrong. The Greek hamster is a dab hand at hibernating and likes nothing more than a lengthy snooze when winter draws on and shadows lengthen in the Aegean.
JUST who is this Debbi Voller? In one issue she was being spanked by Simon Le Bon in Whispers, and then on the letters page we saw her being embraced by the Mighty Fish. What’s going on?
James Bellman, Whitchurch.
Well, Debbi in both cases was using her famous I’ll Bring You The Exclusive routine. Very effective we believe it is.
I recently had the pleasure of seeing Spandau Ballet in concert and have come to this conclusion. They are the most gorgeous, stylish, talented, brilliant and amazing group in the entire universe, unlike those Martians, Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
Spandau’s Loudest Screaming Fan.
P.S. Cheers Martin, the money came in really handy.
You mean you got paid for writing this? You don’t by any chance work for that fine fortnightly magazine Pig Fancier’s Fortnightly Journal?
Don’t just bottle it up! If you’ve got a message for your loathed one, stick it on a piece of paper and send it to Poison Arrow, No.1, Room 304, Commonwealth House, 1–19 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1NG.
Midge Ure tells Monsieur Renaldo, coiffeur to ze gentry. to “make me look like a new man Jimmy…”
Midge Ure, I’m mad at you! You look ugly, disgusting and awful. Why? Because of your long hair. Spew. What’s so great about that hippie look?
Get a haircut, Mr Ure. If you don’t show up with short hair in your next video you will lose one of your fans. FOREVER.
Minnie Mouse, Norway.
Continue »This weeks random reader’s chart and winner of £5 record token.
- LAST CHRISTMAS Wham
- WILD BOYS Duran Duran
- DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS Band Aid
- GHOSTBUSTERS Ray Parker Jr
- SHOUT Tears For Fears
Amanda Turkington, Timperley, Cheshire.
This week’s coupon is on page 43
I love No.1 but I really miss something, you’ve never heard of Talk Talk.
I’m crazy about them, I’m glad they exist. Mark Hollis —
Simone Matthijs, Holland.
That’s funny, neither can they.
Dear Twerpy Townsend,
VHow dare you say that Nik Kershaw is not a slick showman! I’d like to see you singing and dancing and playing three instruments for 1½ hours every night for thirty nights and still be absolutely slickall the time! I bet you wouldn’t manage it, but Nik did!
So take my advice, you wimp! Buy a zip, attach it to your mouth and keep it firmly shut in future.
A Very Angry Riddler, Edinburgh.
Great Idea! Do it, Martin —
I would like to inform readers of No.1 and the ignorant one from Italy that Depeche Mode are not gay. They all have girlfriends or wives, especially “that bloke in the dress”, and are very civilised.
I cannot explain what Yvonne saw on an Italian TV programme but it was probably just excitement generated by their energetic music.
N. Shaw (A Dedicated Depeche Mode Fan).
Probably. Italians do tend to get pretty highly strung when they see a bloke in a dress. “Encore”, they chant, and “Izzeegay! Izzeegay!”
Could you tell me if Jools Holland has more than one suit. Every time you see him on The Tube he always has the same suit on with a black shirt underneath. Tell a lie, I’ve seen a grey suit anda browny coloured suit. They’re both the same style.
Jon Moss’ Pearl Earring, Worley, West Midlands.
No, you were right first time. The brown suit’s the same as the grey one. He’s just too lazy to go to the dry cleaners.
Jools Holland models the off-white suit that has made him the talk of the Jesmond Men’s Darts And Ferrets Up The Trouser Leg Club.