ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

One to 1


Well done, No.1! I think your new V V chart system is a great improvement on the last one.

It is a lot brighter and generally a lot more fabbo than before. Whoever thought of changing it deserves a big hug and a decent cup of tea.

Simon Le Bons Hair Gel.

Well, as it was the Editor who thought It up, we settled for giving him the tea. OK?

In your 84th edition you printed that Frankie were coming to Birmingham on March 23/24. You said that tickets were on sale from January 23.

On the same day in our local paper it said for the first time that Frankie tickets were on sale and were selling slowly.

As I had waited for them to come to Birmingham fora long time I went straight to the Odeon to get tickets. When I got there I was told that they had been selling tickets for two weeks without advertising and that they had sold out two days ago. I do not think this is fair because a lot of Frankies biggest fans never got a chance to see them after all.

Victoria Gillham, Birmingham.

A lot of similar letters have arrived in the office this week. It seems a lot of box offices have been jumping the gun.

I like Wham and so do all my family, I except for my cat that is, whos really into Murray Head and Nik Kershaw.

Every time Im listening to the radio and Wham come on, as soon as George starts singing she either walks out of the room or looks really disgusted.

So seeing as though you seem to know everything, could you please tell me if youve got any idea why?

A Distressed No.1 Fan Torn Between Wham And My Cat.

The No.1 vet writes: “Theres really nothing to worry about. Your cat is simpy suffering from ‘Whamophobia, a common disease among household pets. The best remedy is to dress your moggy up in an awful wig, a droopy nose, and a pair of shorts ten sizes too small. Next time Wham come on TV shell just think shes seeing herself.”

Old Fogey: (coughs)… and, er, um, the award for the worst-dressed man in showbiz goes to… erm, Barry Manilow.

Barry: Well thanks Herb, what a great honour, Id like to thank all the people whove helped me get to the top, my wife and family… drone, drone… (Contd. P.94).

Please can you tell me what everyone finds so bloomin attractive about ‘Darling Mark OToole.

Whats with these people who send you poems about him? I mean can anybody seriously think he is even NICE?

Let me tell all you brainwashed people out there, who have this illness, look at him closely — and you will find that hes nothing but a rat with highlighted hair!

Paul Youngs Dimple.

P.S. I really like Frankie!

A rat with highlighted hair? Therell be trouble about that…

Just some useless facts to bore you to death and make you wish you were watching a Survival Special instead.

(i) What have the lads (Mark, Ped, Nash) got in common with my mum? Answer — the same taste in duvet covers.

(ii) Ped doesnt look like Graeme Souness but Terry from Brookside did before he had his head shaved (McCardle has got a lot to answer for).

(iii) Peds dad looks like Dickie Davis.

(iv) Im doing a project on Frankie for my Citizenship C.S.E.

Gorgeous Mark OTooles No.1 Fan Who Knows The Way To San Jose.

Well spotted! But how about Pat from BrooksIdes remarkable resemblance to David Essex?

After watching another thrilling episode of Dysentery, I decided to count the Duran posters on my bedroom wall. I found that I had 175 of them. 81 of the group together, 45 of John Taylor, 24 of Simon Le Bon, 12 of Nick Rhodes, 9 of Roger Taylor, but only 4 of Andy Taylor.

I am writing to complain about the lack of Andy Taylor posters in your magazine, because although J.T. is my firm favourite, I like Andy second best. So please put in a large picture of him for all the Duranies who feel the same as me. Ta.

John Taylors Grey Fedora.

Havent you got anything better to do on Saturday nights?

OK, Im sorry but Ive got to tell someone, otherwise Ill sell the story to The S*n! I know the Bad Boys wont be pleased but theyve been dressing up lately. Mustve been taking lessons from Boy George. Surely anyone can see that Strawberry Switchblade are Wham in drag!

Holly Johnsons Middle Finger, Sleaford, Lincs.

P.S. If you dont print this letter, Ill start buying a bi-weekly pop mag.

A bi-weekly pop mag? You mean ‘Fizzy Drink Fortnightly?

After reading Martin Townsends review of H2Os brilliant single ‘You Take My Breath Away, I thought I would write to say that the next time you let him review the singles make sure his ears are clean, and he plays all the record.

He should put a banana in his mouth and keep it there. I would be willing to pay £10 for this.

Angry H2O Fan.

Tell you what, Angry, youre not the only one round here…

In a recent issue of No.1 it was reported that Paul Rutherford bites his fingernails. I have just bought the FGTH Calendar for 1985 and in every photograph he is hiding his fingernails. Can they really be as bad as that?

Well, Paul, the best way for preventing nail biting is to dip your fingernails in syrup. On continuing to bite your nails the sugar in the syrup will rot your teeth so that they all fall out.

This will cure your nail biting forever (and give you healthy six-inch fingernails which you can use to scratch George Michaels eyes out!). Pity about your teeth but then one cant have everything, can one?

An Anti-Wham Fan.

Indeed one cant. But one is sure that there are easier cures that one can take…

The Lads go shopping for a new duvet (note Peds pathetic Graeme Souness impression).

What do you mean that Frankie Goes To Hollywood started off this new look? (No.1, January 19)

In the picture you showed of FGTH, they looked as if theyd had a last-minute rampage through grandads wardrobe — Howard Jones and The Thompson Twins certainly did not look like that. I wouldnt like to say what Spandau Ballet looked like but I doubt very much that they got the idea from FGTH.

Why does everyone think that FGTH are the leaders of the pop world all of a sudden? Theyre not good-looking, they have nothing worthwhile to say and they have no respect whatsoever for their fans.

So whats the big deal? Why should everyone want to copy them?

A Bemused Howard Jones Fan.

Erm… because theyve made a lot of money, maybe?

I think Tina Turner is better looking than Joan Collins and shes a great singer and we should have more of her.

A. Perry, Rochford, Essex.

But how much more of her could there be?

I think the time has come for you and others of your kind to give up taking the mickey out of Barry Manilow.

Im not ashamed to say I love him. Barry doesnt give a damn about the things you say, he cares about what his fans say.

Hes had 25 consecutive Top 20 hits, Emmys and Grammys, and he can sing, write, arrange and produce his own albums as well, which is more than I can say for some of these wimps (i.e. Duran Duran).

So give credit where its due — even if you dont like him theres no denying the fact that hes talented, not to mention his good looks. (And his nose! Yes, you did hear right!)

Angela Hills, Romford, Essex.

Couldnt agree more. How could we have criticised anyone whose dirty great hooter has thrilled and delighted so many over the years?

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! HELP! Reader in distress! Please relay this message to my mate. If she doesnt stop calling my beloved Nik Kershaw Dick Eamshaw, I will personally wring her dirty little neck then deep-fry her for 20–30 minutes until crisp.

Yours pleadingly, Niks Keyboards.

We agree-stop taking Mick Kershaws name In vain!

In case nobody has yet told you, Paul Rutherford is nothing but an outright fibber, if his Intimate Details are anything to go by in issue 82.

(i) How is it possible for him to watch television while being in Earls Court tube station?

(ii) Even if the above is possible, why was he not in the above-mentioned tube station when my friend and I came from Somerset in search of him, but did not see him in a whole day?

Get out of that one, matey!

Maz, Somerset.

Sounds likes case of crossed lines! (Geddit?)

Thatll wipe the Smiley off his…

Pardon me, but are we living in a land where moronic third-rate hip-hop DJs are the new gods?

How the hell does that cretin of cretins Smiley Culture come to have a very poor excuse for a record released, let alone lower the tone of our national charts?

The drivel he spews out is an insult to the average persons intelligence. Mr Culture should be filed (or buried) alongside The Wurzles, Father Abraham and Batmans arch enemy, because they are all bloody jokers.

I know where I would hide his sodding ganja.

The Dude You Can Frink, Manchester

This weeks random readers chart and winner of a £5 record token.

  1. WE BELONG Pat Benatar
  3. SHOUT Tears For Fears
  5. LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME Thompson Twins

H. Mansbridge, Reigate, Surrey.

This weeks coupon is on page 44.