ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

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Dear Diary:

Someone showed me a very strange magazine today. It is called No.1 and is about the current pop scene.

I was horrified to discover that apparently no young people today like classical music or even Abba! They are uncouth yobs! They like pop groups with names like Frankly Goes To Hollywood, Susie And Her Banshee, Durran Dewran and Wam.

I was hopeful when I saw an article about Culture Club, but theyre just as bad. and the lead singer isnt even a pretty girl!

The letters to the editor are dreadfully disrespectful. Everyone goes on about someone called Mike Read and a record called ‘Relax or something, and say that every record made is, was, and always will be awful.

Oh well, I think I shall be staying with the Telegraph.

Adrian Mole, Colchester.

In next weeks No.1 a glorious, massive poster of Placido Domingo, an indepth report on the Elgin Marbles, and we go on tour with the National Opera. Satisfied?

Thanks but No Thanks

What am I on about? That bloody, crummy, pathetic picture competition where you invite people to graffiti over members of Frankie.

Okay, I know Paul scribbled over himself but here you have given Frankie-haters the joy of doing all sorts to Holly, Ped, Mark and Nasher.

Horror! I cannot bear the thought of entering this competition that gives loonies the chance to make sure that Frankie look like pillocks.

WARNING: Dont anyone touch those pics, or youll have to deal with me and my friend Jeanette in New Brighton.

A Frankie Lover, Cumbria.

Well, anyone who didnt like Frankie would have scribbled over them anyway, so theres not much difference except that now they can get a prize for it.

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD are the best thing since ham, pickle and jam sandwiches were discovered by Auntie Mable in 1918.

Hollys Hairdryer, Stockton.

What about chilli paste and banana sandwiches like the ones the No.1 staff have for lunch every day? Beat that Frankie!

Frankie, Malcolm McLaren, Michael Jackson, Spandau Ballet etc. In my opinion these forementioned Pop Bores, are the exact equivalents of Max Bygraves, Bonnie Langford and the kids from Mini-Pops.

Victoria Rodgers, Derby.

So what?